So, you want to talk to a theological conservative? Here are five ways to ensure that they don’t burn you at the stake.
- Apocalyptic victimization
We all know that something is on the move to destroy our godly way of life. Those homosexuals want nothing more than to destroy families. We must stop them by any means necessary. Those socialists want to take our money and give it to lazy people. We will have nothing left. Churches will become dilapidated because we will no longer be able to afford the upkeep. Liberalism, socialism, the media, every force it targeted against us and our way of life. We must stop them. If you’re listening to this, you are the resistance.
- Believe the Bible
The best way to make it known that your position is right is to shout memory verses louder than the other guy. The meaning of the Bible is perfectly clear, some (liberals) just choose to ignore it. Your views are biblical. Theirs are not. The only theology you need is the Bible. If you would just read the Bible more, things will be all right. Also, don’t actually read the Bible in Church. That’s what the liberals do. Bible reading is for quiet time.
- Remember, Calvinism is a-okay
Right. I know we said that we don’t need theology books. All we need is the Bible. But Calvinists have most things right. Even if we disagree on supralapsarianism, they are still pretty great. Reading Calvinists that you disagree with is much, much better than reading any liberal theology (i.e. “open theists,” Roman Catholics, Mainline Protestants, Greg Boyd, Rob Bell, Karl Barth, et al.). So theology discussions should be limited to Calvinism versus Arminianism. Any other theology discussion just ignores the Bible.
- Don’t mention the Spirit
Okay, we know that the Bible talks a lot about the Spirit. But Spirit talk is dangerous. It leads to false teaching. If the Bible doesn’t say it, the Spirit didn’t say it to you. The only acceptable mention of the Spirit in worship is in the third verse of a song (the first two have to be addressed to God and to Jesus).
- God is tough
Remember, God is a warrior. He longs to destroy the earth. That is why we worship him. We don’t want to be cast into the lake of fire. Loving peace makes you a sissy. Jesus has a bigger sword than you, he’s tattooed and he is going to kick some ass. Being a Christian means you’re in his army against the godless. Especially the liberals. See more here.
[...] 8, 2009 by Stephen Okay, so you talked to a conservative. Now you want to talk to a theological liberal without being uninvited to a cocktail party. Here [...]